Bax: The Bucket's Last Understudy

So I got an interesting phone call the other day.

Mr. B is a week away from his return and is spending the last days of his sabbatical in ... uhhh ... style.

It was a normal day like any other. I was simply hanging out at my apartment in Atlanta and packing my things into scarlet and grey boxes---seriously, that’s the color of our moving containers---while the 2002 National Championship Game played on loop in the background.

I was listening to some light tunes---I believe it was either the Dead Schembechler’s "I Hate Michigan" or "M Means Moron", I’m not certain---when my caller ID lit up with a name that stopped me dead in the process of wrapping up my ceramic bust of Jim Tressel.

It was Mr. Bucknuts.

Now, I hadn’t heard from The Man himself in a long time. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if he really had faded into myth and legend. My extensive sources indicated to me that he had hopped on a plane to South America a few months back and had last been seen in Rio with a quintet of finely tanned bikini models on his arm before he climbed up on a 250-foot yacht and vanished into the South Atlantic Ocean.

But I-kid-you-not it was him. I knew the voice all too well. After all, the last time I saw him I ended up in the Cuyahoga River! Needless to say, I was a little tentative with that memory burned into my brain.

“BAX!” he bellowed into the phone like a man who couldn’t control the volume of his voice. “I hear the Bucket is still thriving in my absence!” I could hear waves crashing and women laughing in the background.

“Yes sir, we’re holding down the fort here for you. Are you still in Rio?” I asked.

“RIO?” he laughed and the tinkling of female laughter became a barrage. “Why, I’m anchored off the Maldives right now! But the Bucks are coming back soon and so am I!”

“Well that’s great, sir!” I said enthusiastically. “I didn’t think you’d stay away too long with a new coach and a Presidential election looming in the background.”

“Damn right!” chuckled Mr. Bucknuts. “But I’ve got some big plans for the fall and I’m itching to get back in the saddle. So you go ahead and set the table for me and let everyone know that my batteries are recharged and I’m gonna be back soon. Real soon………….”

And then the line went dead.

So there you have it, folks. Looks like this is gonna be my last Bucket hurrah for a while since The Man is on his way back. So I’m going out in style today! Here’s what is on tap:

• NATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS: A good hard look across the country at the teams that will battle for conference championships. Plus, will the SEC’s run of National titles finally come to a merciful end after six looooooooooong years?

• KNOW THY ENEMY: An in-depth look at That School Up North---with as little bias as humanly possible---and who some of the key players on their team will be this season. What are their strengths and weaknesses and will they be able to approach the success of 2011?

• LET THE GAMES BEGIN: Did you realize how much fun the first weekend of the season is going be this year? And it is less than three weeks away from beginning!

That and plenty more awaits after the jump……………………………..
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